Bapoos (Former Muslim)
Testimony of Leaving Islam
I come from a Muslim family that isn't really conservative, however not liberal either, but moderate in their disposition of Islamic law to their daily life. It's more of applying Islam in every family issue where it doesn't create excessive discomfort or change from the Syrian cultural background. It's the view of Islamic life that is predominant amongst Muslims, I think. I've lived in my teen years predominantly in Saudi Arabia, which obviously is a conservative country where there is little to do or make your mind wonder and think. I never thought or questioned anything just as most people never do, they just follow the mainstream line and happily carry on. The only place where I did find a non-mainstream outlet of information was over the beloved Internet. Yes it was censored but you can always find Marxist articles here and there that escaped the censors, and it always fascinated me. But it was after graduating from my school that I had to go to university in London and this is where the thought of openness and free thinking began to gradually seep into my mind.
I came to London like a man thirsty for something that within the first few months I joined a Socialist party that helped grow my political awareness. I became active in their work and that made me come in contact with a few other political groups one of which was Islamic. You see my Islamic persona never left me and I always justified socialism within Islamic laws as I still couldn't for the life of me bear the thought of knowingly breaking Islamic rules. But an Islamic group (Hizb ut Tahrir) that I meet while handing out Socialist leaflets challenged my beliefs and showed me the disparities between what I am doing and what I identify myself as. It created enough conflict in my mind that I left socialism and joined this new group for a while. And although I was active with them, something never quite felt right and I gradually did drift away.
My Agnosticism
I remained interested in politics and social justice but gradually I grew an interest in new subjects; namely science and technology. When I was an adamant (and dare I say, fundamentalist) Muslim, I was aware that science and technology is advanced, but my awareness was very general and sort of fuzzy. When I started following the New Scientist magazine, reading articles on the net and going to astronomy conferences, this awareness of science took a new form. In the Qur'an there is a verse that tells man to look into creation for signs of the creator. It encourages followers (in vain for the past few centuries) to investigate all what is around them and learn from it; that the proof of the one god is there. But what is it that god wants us to find? The order? If I moved two objects towards each other I understand the make up of this action; the gravity, friction, mass, force and any other factor involved in this simple interaction. The issue of god within this motion does not come into the equation unless you insist on forcing him in there. The more complex the action (so rather than moving two objects we can discuss the movement of electrons or whether light is made up of particles or waves) does not directly justify the existence of god. There was a need for that justification back in a past where most things around people could not be understood. But science has went so far, so very far that just about everything you see has been uncovered to its minute detail and what was found was chemically and physically justifiable interactions. If anything, our search in nature has lead to an absence of god rather than finding him. What was found in his place was reason and logic. It was all mathematical and all added up, no missing interaction, no question that had no answers. Everything can be understood without a god and this is what began to clarify to me the more I read into science. On the 10th of November 2011, I wrote an article in my personal blog about my confusion of the time. I wasn't a non-believer yet, I wasn't sure what I was. Below is a quote of the last two paragraphs of the blog post which shows what state of mind I was in.
"I am at loss for there is a comfort in religion. That we are not alone, that there is someone watching over us, that good will overcome due to divine intervention, that when we die we are not lost forever and that we will meet our loved ones some day after they pass. ...
So why am I writing this? Because I'm not quite there yet, I think. I still haven't identified myself with the 'A' word. I never said it out loud and I fear I might break down if I did. I went through a stage as mentioned in my introduction, where I was fervently Islamic, how could I have come to this? I don't know. Where am I now? I also don't know. I take comfort in that I am human and for me, this is the most important thing. That I can think and question and maybe do something right so that along with other humans, we can make our planet a better place."
And at the time I thought this was it. I will remain a Muslim by title and practice my humanity. I was too afraid to call myself 'agnostic' or 'atheist' that I used 'A-word' in its place! But this didn't stay for too long. On the 19th of November - only a few days after writing the above post in my blog, I purchased the latest New Scientist magazine which had an article on Dark Energies. This article goes on to explain how the universe could have been created by these virtual particles, which I wont go into details about, but suffice to say that it was the nail I needed to hammer down on god's coffin. From then on I knew I was on a path towards leaving Islam but I still didn't run down that path, but rather walked slowly on it. I still remember the first day I drank my coffee with my left hand. I did it on purpose to confirm to myself that I am no longer going to obey rules that made no sense to me and yet attempted to control my everyday life. That insignificant moment when I sipped that cup while I waited for my train made me feel like I crossed a huge bridge and yet I hesitated a lot before that sip. But it was that short moment I broke a rule of Islam that meant the world to me. Islam had always had a huge impact on me and I didn't leave it out of ignorance of the religion or out of hate. I obeyed it and I obeyed it fully to the best of my understanding as it constantly controlled everything I did. However I left because the world made sense to me without believing in the impossible. Because the world seemed too beautiful and magnificent to need something like an unnatural being, a tyrant and an oppressor who only shows his mercy to those he enslaves. From then on I can shout out that I am an Agnostic. I am no longer enslaved to stories and laws created around a mythical creature. Today I have found a new freedom. I identified myself as an individual not bound by an ummah or its rules and laws.
A few of my family know about my Agnosticism, although I would try to spare my parents the anguish and sadness from knowing. I love my parents a lot and wouldn't want to upset them in anyway, so I will keep this issue hidden from them as much as I can for as long as I can.
Finally, if I may, I would like to quote a favourite philosopher and political activist; Bakunin who said in response to Voltaire: "If god did exist, it would be our duty to destroy him."